Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
I have time that I didnt post a text. I usually do it when I have to express my feelings in a place I feel confident to say all of them. (Thanks tumblr for that).
I am tired. My body is tired.
Days ago my mom had a sickness(not big deal), she is taking medicine. Doctor said she is better. After those times, I am being the one taking care of her. Taking her to all the places she has to go. Even I got work. After work, and before work I usually do it. Sundays, my only days free.. I have to too. Then, my house. Because of my work, its weird if I spend more than 6 hours at home awake. The other part, I am sleeping. My brother stay at home. (He is the laziest boy ever). When I get home, my house is a mess. A MESS. Our dog, he doesnt clean him.
Normally, when I got home. I have to clean him, feed him(cause he forgot), put him water, and take a walk with him. I have to organize a bit. Today, we went to the hospital. Checks ups and many others things. Later, we went to a friend’s house cause her mom was sick. Then, went home. At home, cleaned a bit. Then, we went to the vet with Owen(my brother didn’t want to go). They vaccinated him. He has something in his skin, that need treatment. NEed a lotion three times/day. I put it in the back. He was fine. But then, I had to make a stop. I stopped at a supermarket to buy something. I left my mom with owen, I told her to check him. When I came to the car, he vomited and made (you know). When I got home, I had to clean it for completely. The complete trunk, and seats. (dunno how he did it). My brother was just “helping and seeing”. He just did things when I told him and even, with a hard face. Later, I enter to my house after a 1 hour cleaning it. My mom start telling that we don’t clean. We don’t help. “If you wanna live here you have to clean”. I started saying: “I kill myself here cleaning and everything, but he doesnt help at all”. “I dont even spend time here mom to help you, or to do this mess. I just get here to clean after work” After she started yelling at me. “If thats how you want it, I can move. I can go to another place, and then you will see that I dont help.”.
I am tired of this. People cleaning, people yelling, people fighting. And I am always in the middle. If my auto-estimate is low, I would say its because I am always there. If my auto-estimate is high, I just don’t know. I don’t have it high. Sadly, I cried. Now, the tiltle of my post. I used that for the song of Linkin Park. I feel cold and lost in desperation. You build up hope, but failures is all you’ve known.
I know I am not perfect. I completely know it. I try my best just to please you mom, to please people around me. and even, I please myself. I am not gonna say something I should feel bad about. I am not gonna say something weird about emotions. I normally control my emotions, or well, hide them. It’s just hard to receive something you never gave. I guess that’s normal. It can happen everywhere. I am not complaining. I am gonna live my life. I am gonna be happy. I appreciate every people who let me know when I am being good, and I appreciate more every people who tell me in what I am being bad. They aren’t making me feel bad, they are just telling me what thing I need to get better.
I try my work to take care of you mom, and even, after I take care of my brother. He doesn’t noticed, he just always want to fight me. I usuallly ignore him. But he knows something I hate, lazyness. and he is completely lazy. My body hurts me, I spent an hour cleaning it and later cleaning the house, and then, tomorrow got work. I can’t like this. It’s gonna kill me (not literally).
This is not a sad post, this is just a post that make me feel better about writing what I feel. I am not in a depression mode or anything like that anymore.
I am posting it here, cause I feel confident telling it him. Not judgemental people or anything like that. And if they are, they will just ignore this. (thanks)
I am sorry for this long post and its bugging you in your dashboard. It just made feel better. Thanks tumblr.
